Self Destructing
Everything that I stood for.
I'm going AGAINST IT. Breaking down the last resemblance. Breaking down all weaknesses.
Going against the norm. Going against what conventional people fear most. CHANGE.
I'm going through a period where i'm forcefully forcing change to myself. Change on things that hurts most. Change on what I cannot easily change. Why? I don't want to form rituals and laws and I see beliefs formed are a weakness.
Currently I'm forcing myself not to exercise. To attempt to grow fat.
It's painful but I recognize that sports and exercise is not the most important of life. They are just factors to a healthy living. By breaking this down, I can also break my unbelievably huge ego. So far so good but fear is building in me. My body is breaking down. Aching and the loss of skills is frightful and damaging but I'll hold on . I will break myself down. I don't want to be independant. I dare not trust my strength for they are a mere illusion.
Fear
Hmm...What am I afraid of?
Let's tell the world.
Second thought no.
Can't trust people .Hahaz.
Mom told me that she saw a palm sized Green spider at the market.
CoooL!
She's gonna bring me to see it tomorrow.
I'm still skeptical through. Palm sized green spider ?!?!?!!?!?
Anyway, there are more enjoyable task to look forward to.
Like..an OVER NIGHT RUN IN SENTOSA AT FRIDAY!!!!! How good can life get??
Wahahahz...Althrough I felt something bad coming up.......
Dreams
Mom had a dream.
I'll tell of it.
She was bored at her office. So she took a walk. She walked for a long time.
She walked and walked. Till she came to a jungle like environment.
She looked at the time. It's getting late.
She decided to head back but... she don't recognize the way home.
Needless to say, my mom's frighten. Saw saw wild animals.
She wanted to asked those around her to help her but she was afraid that she'll ask a bad person.
So she did not.
Then she saw a group of teenagers. People my age. She asked them for help. They told her she had to that a boat which comes at 8.00.
My mom was worried , there's not enough time. Also throughout this time, she can see her office. She just cannot get there.
I've got a intepretation. I decided not to share it here.
Dreams.
Mom had a dream.
I'll tell of it.
She was bored at her office. So she took a walk. She walked for a long time.
She walked and walked. Till she came to a jungle like environment.
She looked at the time. It's getting late.
She decided to head back but... she don't recognize the way home.
Needless to say, my mom's frighten. Saw saw wild animals.
She wanted to asked those around her to help her but she was afraid that she'll ask a bad person.
So she did not.
Then she saw a group of teenagers. People my age. She asked them for help. They told her she had to that a boat which comes at 8.00.
My mom was worried , there's not enough time. Also throughout this time, she can see her office. She just cannot get there.
I've got a intepretation. I decided not to share it here.
My only pain ...the pain of others
Alright time to know more about me.
Today's topic was on me for quite a while .
What hurts me more than suppressing myself?
Oh...if you not know that hurts me.... well ...you don't need to know.
ok...back to topic.
Let's have a few guesses....
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Betcha can't guess without looking first at my title.
Let me give you a situation:
Life has always been good. Except for a few mean people you meet once in a while. Still life is easy. You’re never in need or in want. You've learnt to be content. You know your wants and your needs. You also realize that you do not need much. You even once thought that life was more fun in the jungles. Like Tarzan. Food everywhere. Wahahahz. You are never in want because of your wants. In fact, you need to confess that you used to laugh at people when they complain about not having a want. Life was well and ok. Filled with goodness and smiling people.
You have never put yourself to consideration. Well…before you know the world and its ways. You faced punishment thinking of others instead of yourself. You remembered telling your maid once after being caned. “People used to only cane animals. Now they caned children and beat animals with sticks. What will happen to the children in the future? Are they going to beat children with sticks?” Now that you thought of this, you laugh at yourself. You sounded so silly at that time.
You valued discipline now. You see that suffering builds character and of course you also know that too much of it can kill a person. Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. Then you think is it the right way? So was the young you or the old you right?
You grew up. Although harden and tainted by the world’s impurities, you loved to help. Soon you are well known in school as one who is always there. Always there to help. Always there for people ignored or condemned by the rest. You had a good name. You are known to never turn down anyone even people who hurt you. During Prom Night, you won the award Graciousness to Accommodate. Surprised! But glad, you persist on. Finding Joy in giving Joy…little did you know, it is because you have nothing else to give.
However, there has been a series of cases that arise recently and they stumped you. Those around you started to have problems. Problems you hear and not know how to help. You so much wanted to help but you do not know how to help.
You are grieve-stricken. (You treasured and loved those around you. Even those who blink in and out of your life. You treasured the times spent together for you know they’ll never last and also because that you are always alone.) Soon you reached a state where you just stood seeing those people around you fall one by one. You cannot help…You do not know how to help.
You had a good life. Never in need. You had a good life. Never in want. You have a good life and you know it. It hurts you to see that people around you suffer while you enjoy life. It hurts you to see people around you collapsing under problems and you can do nothing to help. It hurts you so bad that you just want to break down and cry. You just want to cry out all the problems that are happening.
This song has always been strangely comforting. It seems to express me. Needless to say, it is my favorite song.
S Club 7 Lyrics
Song: Never Had A Dream Come True Lyrics
Ooh...
Everybody's got something they had to leave behind.
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering).
How it could be now or neither been (or neither been).
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of me will always be with you.
Somewhere in my memory.
I lost all sense of time.
And tomorrow can never be.
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind.
There's no use looking back or wondering.
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been).
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of me will always be with you.
You'll always be the dream that fills my head.
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby)
You'll always be the one I know. (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering. (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing.
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye.
No no no no .
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of will always be with you .
A part of me will always be with you.
This song is what I aimed to be. Needless to say this is my favourite song too.
OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES.
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW.
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY.
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH.
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO.
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
NOTHING YOU CONFESS COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
SO....
IF YOU'RE MAD, GET
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE.
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW.
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO.
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE.
LET ME COME ALONG 'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
AND WHEN...
WHEN THE
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE.
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN.
CAUSE I'LL STAND BY YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU,
BABY YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE.
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN
TAKE ME IN INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU.
I'LL STAND BY YOU
Pain of others ....my only pain
Alright time to know more about me.
Today's topic was on me for quite a while .
What hurts me more than suppressing myself?
Oh...if you not know that hurts me.... well ...you don't need to know.
ok...back to topic.
Let's have a few guesses....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Betcha can't guess without looking first at my title.
Let me give you a situation :
You never knew much. You lived in a world of your own . Where life is sweet. Full of smiling people. Although you faced discipline. Caning you used to think first not of yourself but of others.
You remembered sharing with a maid about your mother. " They used to cane animals. Now they are caning humans and hitting animals with rods. What will happen to the children in the future? Will thay be beaten by rods?" Now a days when you think about that event, you laugh at yourself . Why? You seems so out of point. You think about why? Are you really that noble? If so ...are you the same now? Or are you hardened by the world's tough condition. You know that you took pride in discipline now. You know that pain build character. Then you think....Who was right...your past or you?
You are grown up now. Life still treats you well except for some times where you have to meet really mean people.Still life was good although you are exposed to all impurities of the world.
You too meet kind people. People who are just so good to you. You enjoyed alot from them . Free stuff...free gifts...lots of priviledges flood your life. You enjoyed it. Life doesn't seems to problematic. You still have the helpful streak in you. You did you best in evrything and make every effort to help people. In school, you were well know for your helpfulness and you are also known for being approachable . You are known as one who will not turned down a soul. You were commended by many. Who looks up to your ability to accept people as well as to be meek. You were one of the few that will not placed anger into a situation. People commend you for handling misunderstandings well. At Prom Night you even win an award for being the most accommodating person in your school. You feel good.
Recently, there are a increase in people seeking your attention. People dear to you. ( You treasured and loved every soul....even if they only blink in and out of you life because you are extremely lonely and you like to spent time with people.) This time however, they tell you things so painful and sad. You hear their pains. Their hurts . You are stumped. For the first time in your life , you unable to do a thing. For the first time in your life, you do not know how to help those around you. You tried to help...but failed. You felt sad. Soon more cases of unsolvable problems flood your life. You see the people around you fall one by one. Their lives ruined by problems so overwhelming that you can only grieve for them.
You so much wanted to help but you had no ideas how to help. Things seems to be beyond control. They ARE beyond Control.
You then feel the pain of having a good life. A life well protected. You felt guilty and burdened by the fact that people are suffering while you are having a comfortable life. The blows are getting harder. You did all you could and you realise...you are just not God. You want to just break down and cry. To cry out all the pain . The pain of everyone held within you .
Artist: S Club 7 Lyrics
Song: Never Had A Dream Come True Lyrics
Ooh...
Everybody's got something they had to leave behind.
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering).
How it could be now or neither been (or neither been).
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of me will always be with you.
Somewhere in my memory.
I lost all sense of time.
And tomorrow can never be.
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind.
There's no use looking back or wondering.
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been).
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of me will always be with you.
You'll always be the dream that fills my head.
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby)
You'll always be the one I know. (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering. (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing.
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye.
No no no no .
I never had a dream come true.
Till that day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on.
You'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You're the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where love takes me to.
A part of me will always be with you.
A part of me will always be with you...
This song has always be strangely comforting. It seems to express me.